just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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