There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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