I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
