Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize