The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
