no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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