I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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