alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
