part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
