I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
