you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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