I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize