you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
