who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
