so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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