i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
