You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
