Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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