you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
