my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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