"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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