I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
