My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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