grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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