i love accidental penises.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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