i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
