i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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