Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There's a naked man in my car right now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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