Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
