so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
