Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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