I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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