She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
