We're facebook friends in real life
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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