Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
