Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
