i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
