dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
