remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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