finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
