Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
