Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
