all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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