You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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