Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
