My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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