the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
