I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
