Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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