That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
