Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
