I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
