i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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