two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
