i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
