Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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