My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize